Thursday, April 29, 2010

Whats Done Is Done

Evan told me that the sarcasm didn't come across in the very last part of last part of yesterday's entry, so for anyone that was wondering, yes that was a joke.

Well. I've spent at least half the day crying or wanting to cry so far. I woke up with a headache and a weird pit of the stomach feeling. I figured I'd call Raul, politely turn down the offer, and start feeling better. When I called I let him know that I was very sad to turn down such a wonderful opportunity, but unfortunately I wouldn't be able to take the job. He told me that yes, it was very unfortunate because as soon as I walked into the room the director knew I was exactly what he was looking for. He sounded so disappointed, and that's what broke my heart.

I've decided maybe it wasn't the best choice, but it was the right choice. I'm so afraid that I've burnt a bridge with this lovely casting director. He casts a lot of things and always happily brings me in for projects, and I don't want him thinking I'm not accountable. I also don't want him thinking I'm not serious about my career as an actor. Hopefully he respects the fact that I'm taking into consideration many obligations that I've already committed myself to.

The call would probably have been easier to make if we didn't have a dance rehearsal last night. Now, to start off with - I do not doubt in any way David's vision for this show not the abilities of him or my castmates to put on a wonderful production. We're all going to have fun and give it our all. It's just.... I can dance, but I'm not a "dancer" in the way the industry qualifies dancers. So I get this crazy news yesterday and let it soak in for a while, and when I'm pretty darn sure I've made up my mind, I have to learn some funky stomp dance, and make my hands tap dance with shoes on them. Calling Raul while sore and exhausted was just that much harder this morning.

It's hard to keep my mind from thinking the worst, like I'm being a coward or that I've put a serious roadblock up for myself, but somewhere inside I do know that I'm not and I haven't. I know I'll feel better within a week, my magic 8 ball even told me so, but I really feel like crap right now. But then, I'd feel awful either way. I'm quite literally making myself ill. Evan got me a delicious bagel this morning to make me feel better, and now I can't even imagine eating anything for the rest of the day. And this headache..... ugh.

My hope is that even though I'm missing out on a fantastic opportunity and adventure, I will have more openings for others that I can take advantage of. Now I definitely know that I should know all of my schedules and have my priorities in order before I audition for something.

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